dream

had a weird dream in my little sleep between 8.15am and 8.57am.

dreamt that.. me, pz and quite a few others were hanging out.. they were all messing about. we were somewhere? maybe carters park, and they all climbed on the roof. i decided to do the same and stayed up there for a while, laid down and enjoyed the sun. when i got up, they'd all disappeared and i couldn't find them.

anyway, step forward a little bit and me, pz and jay were hanging out. ended up going to my house and me and jay were in my bedroom (as it is now). mum walks in and takes out a load of clothes from my wardrobe which were hers and dads and mentions that she told paz to go smoke his spliff in the car. minutes earlier he had been stood outside smoking it, which had surprised me cause he'd not mentioned going out to smoke anything?! so, he's in the car.

next thing i know, jay is trying it on with me. bleurgh, he has me on the bed, on my front and my arms are trapped and he's covering my mouth. loads more awful stuff. don't think IT actually happened. wouldn't like to know.

minutes later i'm in the bathroom and the same thing happens in there. i look in the bath (same as my house) and the bath is so full and there are hundreds of bubbles.. but its like they're moving and breathing, so i worry that dad is lying in the bath covered by the bubbles and he heard anything. BUT, he knocks on the door and asks how long i'll be. phew. he comes in and i leave.

we then walk down the hall (jay and i) towards mums room.. only it's not mums room, it's my cousins. it's set out differently but is where my mums room would be now. there is a baby drum set in there which of course jay wants to play with. so, jay starts clearing this side surface and is knocking things on the floor. a bed appears and my cousin (josh) is sat there also getting annoyed at jay for wrecking the room. in walks my brother.. with his skinning up stuff and him and josh are sat next to each other rolling joints together.

not much else happened that i remember, my 8.57am alarm went off. weirdd.

i keep getting myself upset by thinking about things. i feel like a wreck. i feel like i have nothing and no-one. i'm a 22 year old and i want to run away.

i want to be free of this. i want my own life and a fresh start with people who want to be around me and something/somewhere i want to be.

please.

i wish he'd tell me he loved me more often. it doesn't happen often these days :(

i'm miserable today. miserable.. and cold. not a good mix.

i'm in a really pleasant mood today. not very often this happens. and i'm actually just wearing a dress. had a cardie on earlier but it's warm and spring like.. i love it. not to mention, tomorrow is friday. so excited.

:)

i got given £300 from ma and pa yesterday to keep me going for a while. was very nice of them. pa is also saying that we might have to close the business because of the lack of orders and monies. i won't complain. :)

yay today.

over 'n' out. :):)

been a while

since i last updated. i think things are fine in terms of relationship status.

what's not fine, is job status. it is, infact, more than 'not fine'.. it's driving me insane. literally. it gives me the biggest mood swings ever and i find myself crying more and more about it each day.

what sounds perfect to someone can be hideously lonely. get this. i own a company, a successful(ish) company with a well-known name (in the world of railway books.. LOL). by successful, i mean i have survived the recession, something many small companies have not managed to do. i technically own 3 vehicles, i work practically when i want.. although i do 9-5 monday to friday, i take breaks when i want.. i basically do what i want when i want. perfect, no?

no, it's so so lonely. i love going to the post office at the end of the day to drop off my parcels because i crave the conversation and other people. being sat by myself for most of the day is driving me crazy. i get no money either. well, maybe a couple of hundred every 4/5 months but that's nothing for a girl of 21 living in western culture. it's not even comparable(sp) to the dole. i sort of feel stuck in this job. i hate to admit it, but i do and i really hate for people to know that. i claim that i can 'get out' of it whenever i want to but that's not realistic. i can't get out.

i'm dreading the next day. especially when i have no orders. it's turning mind numbing, more and more each day.

i need to figure this out. i want a life and right now i don't feel like i have one.

like i said to him the other day, i only have one life to be happy and right now i'm messing my life up badly. I NEED OUT.

over 'n' out.

despite having a normal, good weekend that i did enjoy - a lot... there are still worries. eg. he can't talk to me on the phone still. all i generally get is 'how are you, what you been up to, you're (enter cute word/bad word)' etc, etc. we don't have proper conversations and this annoys me so much because he manages it in person. i don't get to speak to people during the day, so having a nice conversation with him in the evening would mean a lot. i don't understand why he can't talk to me.

i THINK everything is over in relation to kelly. there were a few moments when it felt a little awkward but the weekend went better than expected. i'm glad his sister stuck up for me and it makes me feel better knowing how much she dislikes her as well.. i like having someone to talk to (bitch) with. if he doesn't like that, then that's his fault. he wants to be her friend, he can. i want to hate her/bitch, i can; 'nuf said. oh, she's moving to liverpool, yaaaay.

in other news. my friend is doing my head in now. i love him, i hate him, i love him, i hate him. everyday. i'm sort of starting to ignore her now which i do feel bad about but really.. she's insane and a horrible girlfriend. i dread having to see her at the gym.

i think it's day 3 of dads non smoking. lets see how it goes. i believe he's gonna do it. but either it'll do him good or the complete opposite.

over'n'out.

he can't think of many reasons as to why he loves me? is this a doomed relationship? it certainly feels like it, no matter how badly i want it.

i crave the love he first felt for me. have i gone drastically wrong? am i too fat or am i no fun? i can't figure it out.

relationship.

a lot of things are going through my head right now so i thought i'd write them down instead of ignoring them, or letting them build up.

i'm really concerned that despite what he has said to me, i'm not the one he really wants, but the one he feels he should be with; due to the past three years, my relationship with his family, are planned future and the history we share.

he told me the difference between us was her personality and her interests. does this mean i no longer have an attractive personality to him? i'm trying so hard now to make him want me more than ever, but i still feel like he can't talk to me, can't have a conversation with me, like i imagine he did with her. 6 hours of talking to her and i get a few texts and a bedtime call. it's worrying.

i have two days to wait until i might be able to confirm what's going on. i want him to love me again. i agree, on saturday i thought that was the end, but until i knew i didn't have him anymore, i didn't realise how much i really did love him. i just don't feel like he had the same reaction.

i don't want to have to change my personality/looks/beliefs/plans or anything for him to want me but i do want to be with him. so what do i do? do i carry on with things as they are? him struggling to be happy with me and coping by losing his inhibitions and getting stoned? or should i face facts that i'm not the right girl for him and let him move on and be happy? am i being selfish? admittedly, this relationship hasn't been the perfect relationship for me either but right now i feel like i couldn't go on without him. i don't feel like he needs me as much as i do him anymore.

i keep remembering how much he used to love/fancy me before and how we could spend hours talking. i loved it so much. best days of the relationship. since then it's totally changed and we don't SPEAK. not properly. we just live.

i'm more worried now than ever that this girl is better than i am. yet she reminds me in some ways of myself. a bit different. is she really more appealing than i am? what does she have that i don't that could possibly destroy a 3 year relationship after 4 days of knowing her? or is it not her - just me? could it be that he was just taken by the fact someone showed an interest in him; i certainly don't do my best in that department.

all it boils down to is me blaming myself for what happened. he came back to me and now i'm not so sure he wanted to. not only do i feel it's my fault for him falling for another girl, but it seems it's my fault he wanted me back; against his own beliefs. i just need confirmation. i need to know i'm the right person for him.

until i know he wants me for me, all i can do is keep trying to be like her (not that i know what she's like). is she more fun than me? does she have more to say? i really don't know... could it be physical? does he fancy her more than me, is her body nicer? has he even seen her body? i can't know anything for sure. i can only trust what he says - and i do. but there's always going to be that 1% paranoia now.

i'm not sure what's going on anymore.