despite having a normal, good weekend that i did enjoy - a lot... there are still worries. eg. he can't talk to me on the phone still. all i generally get is 'how are you, what you been up to, you're (enter cute word/bad word)' etc, etc. we don't have proper conversations and this annoys me so much because he manages it in person. i don't get to speak to people during the day, so having a nice conversation with him in the evening would mean a lot. i don't understand why he can't talk to me.

i THINK everything is over in relation to kelly. there were a few moments when it felt a little awkward but the weekend went better than expected. i'm glad his sister stuck up for me and it makes me feel better knowing how much she dislikes her as well.. i like having someone to talk to (bitch) with. if he doesn't like that, then that's his fault. he wants to be her friend, he can. i want to hate her/bitch, i can; 'nuf said. oh, she's moving to liverpool, yaaaay.

in other news. my friend is doing my head in now. i love him, i hate him, i love him, i hate him. everyday. i'm sort of starting to ignore her now which i do feel bad about but really.. she's insane and a horrible girlfriend. i dread having to see her at the gym.

i think it's day 3 of dads non smoking. lets see how it goes. i believe he's gonna do it. but either it'll do him good or the complete opposite.

over'n'out.

he can't think of many reasons as to why he loves me? is this a doomed relationship? it certainly feels like it, no matter how badly i want it.

i crave the love he first felt for me. have i gone drastically wrong? am i too fat or am i no fun? i can't figure it out.

relationship.

a lot of things are going through my head right now so i thought i'd write them down instead of ignoring them, or letting them build up.

i'm really concerned that despite what he has said to me, i'm not the one he really wants, but the one he feels he should be with; due to the past three years, my relationship with his family, are planned future and the history we share.

he told me the difference between us was her personality and her interests. does this mean i no longer have an attractive personality to him? i'm trying so hard now to make him want me more than ever, but i still feel like he can't talk to me, can't have a conversation with me, like i imagine he did with her. 6 hours of talking to her and i get a few texts and a bedtime call. it's worrying.

i have two days to wait until i might be able to confirm what's going on. i want him to love me again. i agree, on saturday i thought that was the end, but until i knew i didn't have him anymore, i didn't realise how much i really did love him. i just don't feel like he had the same reaction.

i don't want to have to change my personality/looks/beliefs/plans or anything for him to want me but i do want to be with him. so what do i do? do i carry on with things as they are? him struggling to be happy with me and coping by losing his inhibitions and getting stoned? or should i face facts that i'm not the right girl for him and let him move on and be happy? am i being selfish? admittedly, this relationship hasn't been the perfect relationship for me either but right now i feel like i couldn't go on without him. i don't feel like he needs me as much as i do him anymore.

i keep remembering how much he used to love/fancy me before and how we could spend hours talking. i loved it so much. best days of the relationship. since then it's totally changed and we don't SPEAK. not properly. we just live.

i'm more worried now than ever that this girl is better than i am. yet she reminds me in some ways of myself. a bit different. is she really more appealing than i am? what does she have that i don't that could possibly destroy a 3 year relationship after 4 days of knowing her? or is it not her - just me? could it be that he was just taken by the fact someone showed an interest in him; i certainly don't do my best in that department.

all it boils down to is me blaming myself for what happened. he came back to me and now i'm not so sure he wanted to. not only do i feel it's my fault for him falling for another girl, but it seems it's my fault he wanted me back; against his own beliefs. i just need confirmation. i need to know i'm the right person for him.

until i know he wants me for me, all i can do is keep trying to be like her (not that i know what she's like). is she more fun than me? does she have more to say? i really don't know... could it be physical? does he fancy her more than me, is her body nicer? has he even seen her body? i can't know anything for sure. i can only trust what he says - and i do. but there's always going to be that 1% paranoia now.

i'm not sure what's going on anymore.